Sitting in Ambiguity
Ambiguity - An unclear, indefinite, or unknown outcome.
My son was admitted into the hospital for an un-diagnosable type of autoimmune encephalitis. He has been in an induced coma for 1 month now. We live in his room, just leaving to go to work, shower and drive back to the hospital.
I’m sitting in a hospital room of my beautiful son. Beautiful not only because he is a handsome brute, but beautiful because his Essence is one of the most Angelic I have ever met. Taylor, before this last two weeks, shined light on the world daily. He woke up in the mornings always saying “Hi momma, I sure love you. I hope you have a great day.” This sweet connection he had with me, he did with every person who crossed his path. He was that type of person that unconditional love was innate, not created or manufactured, but part of his purpose in life. His previous personal battle was not understanding why others wouldn’t be unconditional, why they wouldn’t love everyone all the time.
I know as I sit here that I love my boy unconditionally, I know that I have loved him to my very best potential. I’ve never hidden words of how great my love for him is and our hearts couldn’t be closer. My challenge today is I see my son medically hanging off a cliff. The only thing holding him is all of our heartstrings of connection. I feel like I’m strapped to a tree by the binds of fate, unable to move or to do the job that a mother was created to do, which is to hold him safe from harm.
The grief process is such an experience to go through. Sometimes I scream, sometimes I cry sometimes, I want to be sick or even pass out, sometimes I’m numb, other times I reach for those who love me, and sometimes I’m just okay. I think the hardest to feel is okay. How do you move through your life as if it’s normal when nothing is? Your goals feel irrelevant because the foundation you based them on no longer exists.
Before this day, I think every mother has had it cross their mind “I couldn’t take losing my baby.” Like its some pact we all made with God that it is a NO crossing zone. You just don’t even let your mind go there.
Through these challenging weeks we have been forced into those zones we had previously forbid from our psyches. We hold strong in our heart that my son will return to us healthy and full of light, but we don’t know. We are trapped in Ambiguity. Our own purgatory, where we have to face the unknown head on.
Although, do you know what I have found here? A deep sense of love, a connection with my daughter-in-law that is like she is a child of my own. My family has united and joined in holding my son sacred. A strength that my personal work has paid off and I have a community that walks with me through the dark nights of my soul. I am able to grieve through the waves of this storm, and I know now, that no matter what the outcome, spirit is with me.
Friends, do your personal work so if the day comes that you have to face your greatest fears and are forced to live in Ambiguity, you know you have the tools to do so. You will not regret knowing how to let go, and how to navigate the loss of control. Thank God, I was inspired to prepare for life’s waves and challenges. How ironic it is that I just published my book: The Journey Back To Balance - An Intentional Path.
On the back of the book it asks - Is your life a chaotic mess? Does everything feel off center and out of order? That book represents the work I have done to be in balance during this trial in my life. I hope you too can walk with me in healing and centering during times of trial.
Lesson learned, Spirit - One day at a time. Feel it, heal it, and have faith that there is a greater plan.
Love you friends. Thank you for learning and growing through experiences and sharing wisdom to help one another.